A Confession by an Anonymous OIF Veteran
I have two personalities. One is genuine, thoughtful and caring. The other is mean, egotistical and for lack of a better word delusional. I've deduced this personality to be a compilation of defensive behavior I developed at an early stage in life as a result of an abusive and neglectful childhood. Ive abused substances as a coping mechanism. Ive said mean spirited things and acted in ways I shouldnt have. I believe this is learned behavior.. a result of being powerless as a child and only having the behaviors to defend myself with. I know what I can do with my hands sober and angry.. and the fear of that.. the fear of being like my father is ever present in my psyche. So I isolate myself that if its just me then noone can make me feel those ways again. This would explain alot. It would also explain why I left the only woman Ive ever loved, and Y noone is ever good enough to take her place. I left her out of fear. Fear I couldnt provide and fear she would hurt me while I was gone. I havent been able to maintain a relationship since. When someone gets close I start push'n. I get scared. I cant trust, I cant love, I cant feel happy, and I dont know what family is. Ive only been shown these things by people who were supposed to love me, and all they ever ended up doing is hurting me to the core. I truly am a functional product of an abusive and disfuntional upbringing. So as soon as I see these things developing I run. Im afraid itll hurt too bad when they leave. I was stupid for thinking going to war would fix all this. I never wanted to come home. I had found an outlet for all the wrong that I felt had been done to me. A home where violence was praised and death was welcome. I used anger as a means of justifying my actions never expecting ide live long enough to care. Now here I am and I hate myself. None of what happened overthere helps ANYTHING. Im not PROUD or HONORED. Americans throw these words around and glorify something they know JACKSHIT about. A good salary? Food in the fridge? A nice home? None of that will ever rectify my parent's and even some family's fantastic job creating the mentally unbalanced, emotionally scarred, and traumatized individual u see before you now. Why even bring me into the world if you were gonna expose me to all these horrors? Y.. I wouldnt have opted for it. Irresponsible and wreckless parents. Like I said, war gave me an outlet, but in the end all im left with is a conscience full of guilt and a heart full of ache and loneliness. Unable to love again and unable to cope. I believe psy ops saw more than I give them credit for. If they had told me the full extent of my psychological disposition.. told me this is what it would b like.. I would have to live with this... truth be told I tried to kill myself July 10 of this year.. 90 tylenol p.m. Took em and went to sleep.. dont remember waking up.. but i hallucinated pretty bad, snakes, dont want to get into details, thought it was a dream till i found physical evidence in the house. Would I do it again? NO.. and I still honestly have no idea how I survived that.